Help me to decide

Why should I grieve because of a thorn?
Once it had made laughter known to me.
Whatever you lost through the stroke of destiny,
know it was to save you from adversity.
One small affliction keeps off greater afflictions;
one small loss prevents greater losses.

-Rumi

I dont know much. I have been comforting myself to accept things. Till now, im struggling still. Fighting the battle within. Trying to rationalize to myself. “God knows best”…

 

Sometimes i wonder why am i so weak, sensitive and emotional over matters. Is it just me or it’s a natural feelings and emotions to feel so? Haiz.. God, life is so hard. I just need You to be strong. I fall so many times and i knw i will fall again.. Make me stand. Make me strong and increase my endurance. I need to relax. To feel Your love..

Future is the unseen world. I will never know what would happen. I anticipate too much in life. I think too much. Why does the confidence fade when i need it? Really…

Deep down my heart. I really love You. I ever compromised my love for You. And that was a big and catasrrophic mistake. Oh dear… let not that happen again.. I just cant imagine living here in this world knowing that You are not pleased with me..

She is very far from me. He left me. And i realize i have no one to talk to when i need most. Not even my parents..  Only then i think and really feel You are so closed to me. I feel Your presence. I know You see me crying and begging in front of you. Your presence comforts me even when i dont say a word..

Now that i have to decide. I need You to help me to decide. What may seem nice and good to me would not necessary be so. You know best. I know this is a major decision to make. And i cant move on without Your consent. Please give indication- whether it is bad or good. I will accept.

 

Thank You God =)

Oh God.. Im sorry :(

O Allah..

it hurts when i have to let go the things i really love..
it hurts when i have to lose something that i really want..
it hurts, Allah…
it hurts..
😥
 
 
but believe me, O Allah..
i will feel hurt most when i know that i have hurt You..
it hurt most, Allah..
believe me..
believe me….
😥
 
 
I realize that i can never live without Your mercy..
I realize that i can never smile without the concious that You are pleased with me..
I realize that i can never lead my life if You are unhappy with me..
 
I am sorry..
I am really really sorry..
For i have neglected You for long time..
For i have loved others more than i should love You..
For i have prioritized others more than i should..
😥
 
 
Even then…
You still gives me food to eat.. when i am not supposed to eat what i shouldnt eat
You still gives me eyes to see.. when i am not supposed to see what i shouldnt see
You still gives me ears to hear.. when i am not supposed to hear what i shouldnt hear
You still gives me skin to touch.. when i am not supposed to touch what i shouldnt touch
You still give the air im breathing now.. when i have done tonnes of mistake..
 
 
How can someone not fall for You??
You are very nice Allah..
You are very kind Allah..
You are great Allah..
 
 
but i forget..
im so occupied with this world..
im so busy with my life..
im so so so busy about myself..
😥
 
 
I can never forgive  myself if this were to happen again..
how can i do that to You Allah…
im such an arrogant slave..
im not thankful to You…
i feel embarrased Allah..
im embarrased…
 
 
You dont let me to see him..
but please Allah…
let that subsitute with my meeting with You one day…
thats my only wish…
 
 
Destinasi Cinta 
Menyingkap tirai hati
Mengintai keampunan
Di halaman subur rahmatMu, Tuhan
Tiap jejak nan bertapak
Debu kejahilan
Akan ku jirus dengan madu keimanan
Tak ternilai airmata dengan permata
Yang bisa memadamkan api neraka
Andai benar mengalir dari nasuha nurani
Tak kan berpaling pada palsu duniawi
Destinasi cinta yang ku cari
Sebenarnya terlalu hampir
Hanya kabur kerana dosa di dalam hati
Telah ku redah daerah cinta
Yang lahir dari wadah yang alpa
Tiada tenang ku temui
Hanya kecewa menyelubungi
Ku gelintar segenap maya
Dambakan sebutir hakikat
Untuk ku semai menjadi sepohon makrifat
Moga dapat ku berteduh di rendang kasihMu
Namun ranjaunya tidak akan sunyi
Selagi denyut nadi belum berhenti
Durjana syaitan kan cuba menodai
Segumpal darah bernama hati
Destinasi cinta Ilahi
Lestarikan wadi kalbuku, oh Tuhanku
Leraikan aku dari pautan nafsu
Biarpun sukar bagiku melamar redha-Mu
Namun masihku mengharap ampunan-Mu
Wahai Tuhanku.. Ya Allah…

 

 

 

 

 

Biarpun sukar bagiku melamar redhaMu..
namun masihku mengharap ampunanMu…

Eid Mubaarak :)

SaLaaM~

hope it’s not tOo late to wish all my muslim bros and sistas

 

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI 🙂

-Maaf Zahir dan Batin-

 

hehe~

Semoga berbahagia di samoing keluarga tercinta.

Mudah mudahan di hari kemenangan ini kita akan ambil kesempatan untuk ziarah menziarahi untuk merapatkan lagi tali persaudaraan 🙂

 

SaLam lebaran~

Thanks Allah :)

saLAam~

yep, alhamdulillah.. now, im able to accept everythg. i hope Allah forgives me and my family.

saLam takziah mohammad rafiq’s family tho i din noe him. he’s actually abg fir’s friend. and i juz got to noe that from Fir.

“org2 baik selalu Allah da amik dulu kan??”

ok, lemme qoute from surah Al-hadid verse 23..
“(Kami jelaskan yang demikian itu) supaya kamu jgn berdukacita terhadap apa yang luput darimu dan tidak pula terlalu gembira dgn nikmat yang diberikanNya kpdmu…”

it’s alwez easy to say. alwez. i agree. and i believe that the tests given are the signs of His loves.

‘Allah loves us exactly the way we need to be loved. and through this love, He gives gifts that are truly unique. Something that is suitable for person and that person only. Its a reflection of how well He knows us and what we need.
Sometimes that gift is something we have longed for; sometimes that gift is unexpected favour. At other times, Allah shows us His love by giving us problems and hard times which instil in us discipline and force us to grow better and stronger’ 🙂

fir got share smthg with me one hadith qudsi. but pardon me, im not so sure of the accurate one. yet to find. insyaAllah kalau da jmp, nanti ana share..

bunyinyer smthg like this.. “Allah berkate pade malaikat, turunkan lan ujian dan balak kpd hamba2ku krn aku rindu rintihan2 mereka padeKu di waktu malam….” jembu kan? hee~

hmm… maybe it takes me the harder way to noe Him closer. but thanks Allah~
‘alaa kulli haal, semoga aku makin tabah dan semoga imanku meningkat, ameen.

another hadith qudsi to share. taken from http://www.iiu.edu.my/deed/hadith/other/hadithqudsi.html:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:
Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.

It was related by al-Bukhari.

another one:

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say: Allah the Almighty said:
O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.

It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.

last but not least,

Patience is the best armour of the believer 🙂

Uncertainties Of Death

-Death-
Everybody tries to avoid thinking about this.
Why??
Because…. the fact that most people are afraid to die.
However, death will certainly come, one fine day…
Only He knows when, how, and where…
Narrated Abdullah r.s: Allah’s Mesenger peace be upon him said,
“The keys of unseen are 5: Verily Allah! With Him (Alone) is the knowledge oh The Hour,
He sends down the rain and knows that which is in the wombs.
No person knows what he will earn tomorrow,
and no person knows in what land he will die.
Verily Allah is Al-Knower, Al-Aware
(Sahih al_Bukhari, vol 6 Hadith no 151)
Read The Lessons from Death by Harun Yahya 🙂
*MUST WATCH*
(watch it only it dark place and when u are alone. hehe~
InsyaAllah kiter semua insaf.
Orang yang pandai itu apabila dia tahu yang dia akan mati
dan akan bersedia untuk mati…

 

 

Ya Allah..fitrahkanlah diri ini tika aku menghadapMu kelak seperti mana fitrahnya aku ketika kau menghantar aku ke dunia.

KepadaNya kita kembali

Kring kring.. (k, obit ehh ringtone)

“kin, ade berite sedih ni.”Aku terpaku.

“Nde da meninggal..” Abah terdiam.

Dalam hatiku, aku mengucap: Innalillah wainna ilaihi raaji’uun…

Waktu tu aku sedang bersame Esther, tgh discuss2 pasal SIP.. Aku cube menahan airmate.. Nanti orang nampak…

Aku terus ke library buat project. Cube ketepikan perasaan sedih. Rasenye macam baru haritu aku jumpe Nde, berbual-bual dengan dia. Tak sangke pon ade… Tapi lekas-lekas aku pujuk hati ni. Tenangkan diri bahawe yang hidup pasti mati. Sesekali wajah Nde terbayang di depan mateku.. Wajah yang selalu ceria, yang selalu senyum. Yang begitu penyayang dan lemah lembut. Tibe2 rindu menggamit perasaan..

Lepas je solat maghrib kat sekola, aku terus pulang. Dalam perjalanan pulang tu, mama telepon aku.. Mama tanyer nak ikut tak pegi Kl. Aku cakap aku nak. “k, lekas balik, kiter pegi KL malam ni jugak.” Alhamdulillah, assisstant supervisor aku bagi aku amek cuti.

Sampai rumah je aku pon siap2, mandi. Dalam pukol 8 gitu, aku dan mama keluar rumah. Kite naik bus pegi Johor. Umar (adek aku) tunggu kat Wdlds interchange. Abah tak dapat ikut sebab tak boleh jalan sgt. Hajar (adek) pulak tak dapat cuti.. Jumpe Andi (abg aku) ngan kak zainab kat Johor checkpoints. Andi drive dari Johor sampai KL. Kiter bertolak dari Johor dalam pukol 11 malam. K, dipendekkan cerite, kiter semua selamat sampai di Bukit Beruntong Kl pukol 5 pagi.

Bile kakiku dijejakkan je dlm rumah banglo 2 tingkat tu, aku boleh dengar dgn terang dan kuat sekali orang2 lelaki yang sedang berdengkur. Penat kot dorang, pke ku.. Banyak anak buah dan sedare mare Nde yang datang dari Singapore.

Kiter satu family pon dibawa masuk ke dalam bilik di mana arwah Nde dibaringkan. Kain yang menutupi muka Nde dibuka perlahan. Aku menatap wajah Nde. Cantik, pke ku. Nde seperti tersenyum. Kulit Nde putih sangat. Muke Nde macam orang disolek.

Aku, kakak, mama diajak naik ke atas. Kiter semua nantikan waktu subuh. Dalam pukol 7 lebih gitu, kiter satu family keluar bersarapan. Sebb tanak susahkan tuan rumah. Balik dari sarapan, dlm pukol 8 lebih kot, mayat sudah nak dimandikan. Mayat dimandikan di dapur. Selalunyer mayat dimandikan dengan menggunakan papan kan? Tapi ntah kenape, dorang (anak2 buah plus anak Nde) yang jadikan kaki dorang papan. Maknenyer, mereka duduk berselang seli. Luruskan kaki dan mayat diletakkan atas kaki dorang. Tak silap aku, mayat dimandikan dlm lebih kurang stgh jam atau lebih.

Ketika aku melihat Nde dimandikan (aurat ditutup, jadi mayat tak rase malu), aku insaf. Kepale otak ni selalu terbayangkan diri ini berada di tempat Nde. Sekujur badan yang dahulunya kuat, boleh berdiri, memasak, mendukung bayi. Tapi kini kaku dan tak berdaya sedikit pon. Nde hanya terdiam saat beliau dimandikan. Betapa kerdilnya diri ini, Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya segala apa pun yang Engkau pinjamkan kpd kami, engkau telah tarik balik. Lemah longlai hatiku ini. Sebak ditahan. Mungkin itulah dinamakan Islam- Self surrender. Hidupku, matiku hanyer keranaMu, Allah~

Selepas dimandikan, mayat dibawa ke ruang tamu untuk dikafankan. Semua lelaki disuruh keluar rumah sementara. Aku hanyer dapat melihat. Tanganku kaku dan tak reti nak bantu kafankan mayat. Kain putih membaluti tubuh yang sejuk kejung itu dengan rapi dan ketat sekali. Bau pacai menusuk hidungku. Nde tetap membisu. Hanya menuruti segala apa yang dilakukan terhadapnya. Sekali lagi, aku insaf. Tak dinafikan aku terpke bahawa ade ke orang yang akan mengkafan diriku bile aku mati kelak? Siapa? Saudara mare?

Sesebak sebak aku dan yang lain, tiada seorang pon di dalam rumah tu yang kedengaran tersedu sedan, menangis. Alhamdulillah~ semua redha dgn pemergian Nde. Ami Man (suami de) kelihatan begitu tenang sekali. Kesugulan tidak kelihatan langsung di wajahnya. “Nde tak meninggal pon.. cume tukar alam je. InsyaAllah jumpe nanti”– Andi sampaikan. Subhanallah~

Abg Hussin, kak Nazli, Amin (semua anak Nde) ade waktu tu.. Cuma Abdullah je yang maseh dlm perjalanan pulang dari Indonesia ke Kl. Terdetik hatiku, kesian tak sempat tgk umi buat kali terakhir.
Perjalanan ke kubur begitu menguji sekali. Macam kat padang sahara pon ade. Tanah yang luas, yang tidak ditumbuhi pokok. Rumput2 pon kelihatan begitu kering dan byk crack kat tanah. Tibe2 aku tergambar padang Masyar di mana kiter semua dikumpulkan. Begitu terik sekali.. Aku istighfar~

Ade lah dlm 10 buah kereta plus van jenazah yang ‘menghantar’ Nde ke pusara. Salam dilayangkan kepada ahli qubur. Moga2 mereka dirahmati Allah. Tukang gali kubur maseh sebok menggali. Aku perhatikan dari jauh. Langit begitu tenang sekali. Sesekali je angin bertiup. Ami Man hanyer memerhatikan dari jauh. Hendak juga aku tahu ape dibenaknya
Setelah lubang siap digali, mayat dimasukkan ke liang lahad dlam posisi menghadap qiblat. Aku insaf lagi. Bagaimane agaknyer perasaan aku sekiranyer aku dimasukkan pulak? Aku akan keseorangan menanti bile malaikat munkar dan nakir datang. Aku takut, ya Allah.. sempit ke tidak kuburku nanti? gelap atau bercahaya ke kuburku nanti?

Tok imam membaca du’a: inilah masenyer aku tak dapat tahan lagi. Airmata bercucuran pantas. Aku takut. Aku insaf. Aku tahu masaku akan tiba. Tapi bagaimanakah aku berhadapan dengan sakaratul maut?? Berjayake syaithan yang dilaknat menarik aku mengikut dia??

“Wahai Syarifah Nafisah (Nde) Binte Syed Muhammad Yunos… janganlah engkau takut (err… something like this)… jika ditanya siapakah Tuhanmu, jawap Allah Tuhan aku… etc…” (oops! lupe nak bilang: Nde ialah makcik aku. Kakak kandung bapak aku)

Hatiku berdebar2. seolah olah aku lah yang akan menghadap malaikat2 tu nanti.. hatiku resah dan sgt gelisah…

7 langkah dan malaikat akan bersama Nde. Otakku terus melayang. Memikirkan diriku yang masih hidup ini~

Ami Man begitu tenang memerhatikan isterinya dimasukkan ke dlm liang lahad~